just take me away.......

I didn't have any lessons, nor a role-model to follow
but I wanted to be a mother more than anything other
I thought I was capable to love and nurture
to have a bond with three little baby dolls that filled my life with love.

And after that story ended for me~ that my babies found their lives
Without a way to warn me, I find out that all I did was fail.
Does God wish for me a shorter life ~to spare me from the pain
To find that ending and put them out of their misery
For the ten years of human suffering must be my payment
For doing this inadequate parent dance for the whole world to see
WHY?? Why didn't anyone tell me I was wrong ~that I did not have what it took
To love my children unconditionally....that I was not worthy, and I failed

I sit here looking out the window wondering why I exist
There are so many families that are filled with love ~I THOUGHT I knew in my heart
that I was capable...only to find that the degree of my failure fits on six pieces of paper
And all the days I looked out the window wishing I could give them cars and fancy clothes
until the day I collapsed....almost ten years ago....when before that day, I had friends who
wanted to spend time with me, not watch me rot looking out the window waiting until
riding lessons were done, or plays or sports......
Don't worry my children, you made your lives successful despite me....

I tried...I really tried.... while I had to fight to get you to spend a holiday with me....just once.....
I guess that means you lied all those years.....to my face
Knowing you thought me a fool ~being constantly belittled by the only people you love now or ever.....
Don't dare cry when my dust is placed in a jar
Don't dare think you had the power to hurt me
But I do hope you all remember calling me a liar, a fool, a fake
Because with my hand hand held up , I will go to a place that only God knows for sure
And it will be better your offspring don't know about me
Let them know happiness...not disgust...
And because you never believe anything I say
Then that is what I will always be to you....
Then when I close my eyes that last time ~ your thoughts
can forget that I preferred the warmth of a hug, rather than all those expensive material things.
Vickie Skowronski
Copyright May 21, 2011